Closer to Home

It's late and I can't sleep-my last week in ACA and it floats back to me in phases. I remember significant moments in this room-high ceiling-rafters-squeaky bed frame. Moments in the stifling classroom, smiling faces, tears, bay breezes, sweaty muggy evenings searching scriptures-so frustrated and alone-dimples-stinky street smells- Traveling always creates a strange feeling inside me. Displacing myself for a period of time-finding a new space-new home all of a sudden happens and then it effects me in that eventually I realize that it's home-it's familiar and I'm not sure what magically made it so-its exciting because what's distinctly different turns into normal. New places, situations fascinate me and creates my deeply rooted fervor for adventure-exploration into a novelty land-difficult challenges that softens-changes-causes one to have to adapt and in so doing-learning.

I struggle to describe the thrill of travel-of coming and going. It's bittersweet-a change from the ordinary way-sedentary, cliche life pattern that sets in after a few months. I think it's as addicting as Crystal Light and Mexican coffee-it's hard for me to settle down-I'm about to return to Kentucky and yet already planning-planning-God knows.

Each new place I wonder brings me closer to home-out with the old and in with the new that lasts for eternity.

Tomato Patch

Tramping along the verdant grass lane she realized that with each step, she grew closer to the lush overhangs of rich goodness-oval, jagged pallets of greenness. A place to decide. Stocking feet and an ennobled heart allowed her to walk forward. One step took little energy—the obstacle was overcoming a troubled heart. Her prized position lay over the hillside. A blossoming emotion welled up inside her and she almost fainted, she fought deep inside her chest.
Two doors. Two paths. Two winding trails. Raindrops pressing against her temples wet with emotion, hazy. Keys to her heart grasped at a melody that floated along with late night breezes, endearing words orchestrated a sonnet. She was lost and wondering through a forest of Aspen, golden rays breaking through leaflets of ignorance to a fleshed heart plowed by hands of sovereignty.
Light finds darkness and gives life. Aromatic cleanliness of novelty, vibrant buds, roses open their heads to sunshine to take in vanishing glory. Lilies dressed in purple find dignity in their simplistic crown. Gentle strains of music run through the senses to the mind-discern the hearts treasure to find what? Soiled puddles, crisp, invigorating, chilled air, high peaks, and whitened mountains, low meadows, raspberries- nature’s best memories.
Slowly the burden tumbled, but there lay a fortress-the imagination clinging to the wonders of the world-the endless possibilities, doting upon what to create, worship. Wispy winds pulled away the veil to ocean waters holding secrets, the endlessness of God. The vastness opens into millions of diamond-coated quandaries-she grasped, never to hold, articulated, never to truly speak, no solidity among endless relativisms.
Life’s coming in and out, one life to lead and use for good, one heart beating rapidly-sinking into a deep well of inward emotion, about to collapse.
Amarillo daffodils brought smiles and relief. At the end of the day it was all an abstraction, figment of her mind, constant dwelling upon the unfathomable. Instead, the quiet serenity of tealeaves, glistening eyes, familiarity, beholding the God distant from meaningless ramblings of the mind. All brought an end to wonderings. One path. One door. One trail lined with purple lilies.

In the Secret of your Presence, there I am Restored

Oswald Chambers reminded me, with words that always sink deep, that we must create habits, press onward beyond our fleshly temptations and start where we are living our lives in obedience to Christ, creating a life that is pleasing to the Lord. I can still fall back into the old routine of distracting myself with things of this world when I am down and out, bored, or (currently) sick. When Paul spoke of maturing, taking that which we have attained and going forth walking the walk, it wasn't a suck up and just try harder speech, but see all that the Lord has worked in you and take courage in this, go and do greater things through the strength of Christ, rise above the empty distractions of this world.

Yes, I've finally reached the point here where I am sick-I'm losing my stomach, thus tired and drinking a lot of water. Meanwhile, I've borrowed a couple of books to read! John Piper's, Desiring God and E. Elliot's, Through the Gates of Splendor. I'm basking in Elliot's story of her husband Jim and the other guys, abandoned fools for Christ's sake, ignitable unto the Lord by the flame of Christ's victory over our fallenness-a bunch of missionaries that were convinced that their entire lives were worth it for the sake of the cross, sharing this truth with the Auca Indians. So many know their story-praise God there are many other similar stories. I'm amazed. I'm interested. I'm brought to tears when I read the individual stories of how these men were led to Ecuador-taken from their talented, academic worlds and used by God to die for Christ's sake. Wow. God really means it when He says to take up the cross and follow after Him, leaving all behind. The more Christ reveals the power of this to me in my own life, the more I see it as inviting-I give my entirety for Christ's sake-I want to leave the silly notions I cling to-dreams-selfish wants-hopes for only Christ's work here on earth! I pray that I will continually abandon all and be ignitable.

Jim Elliot's storing is inspiring and widely quoted by Christians because its such a clear picture of the purpose of the Spirit here on earth-to bring all to HIm-to build His kingdom. Man's inventions-statuses-the many blessings we are given in life by God are still to be considered lost for the sake of Christ's will-glory. Why did Elizabeth marry Jim a few years before his death? Why did she have to endure the pain? What was God thinking, all those newly married couples with little ones left-widows. Not quite my dream situation-not so romantic-and yet Elizabeth has penned the testimony of Jim and others-the Lord used his murder to draw her nearer to Christ and be used to continue the ministry among the killer Indians. This reflects the theme of God on the cross for us. I long to consider my life not as a sacrifice for the Lord, but not even as my own to give-already abandoned to Him.

I want to close by saying that I have looked over my older blogs and seen a tone or attitude that displeases me-it amazes me how God daily changes our hearts-draws us to Him so that we look at what were were a few days ago and see the marks of His work. Ok, I'm itching to close with the widely popular Jim Elliot quote-so biblical-we need to remind ourselves the truth behind it everyday.

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose" -J Elliot.