Drip drop

Rain drops! Cleansing rain pours over my country-Kentucky!
I'm home and suddenly apart of a new routine that involves new challenges-spiritual battles.
Be at rest oh my soul for the Lord has been good to you-clings to my mind-the psalm calms me when the chaos of old surroundings and temptations come floating back.
May I just be in Christ. May he manifest himself through me while I'm here doing His will.
The battle within the secular university classroom is my mission now-the battle against darkness. The ministry of loving instead of condemning, gentleness in the place of rude insistence.

Closer to Home

It's late and I can't sleep-my last week in ACA and it floats back to me in phases. I remember significant moments in this room-high ceiling-rafters-squeaky bed frame. Moments in the stifling classroom, smiling faces, tears, bay breezes, sweaty muggy evenings searching scriptures-so frustrated and alone-dimples-stinky street smells- Traveling always creates a strange feeling inside me. Displacing myself for a period of time-finding a new space-new home all of a sudden happens and then it effects me in that eventually I realize that it's home-it's familiar and I'm not sure what magically made it so-its exciting because what's distinctly different turns into normal. New places, situations fascinate me and creates my deeply rooted fervor for adventure-exploration into a novelty land-difficult challenges that softens-changes-causes one to have to adapt and in so doing-learning.

I struggle to describe the thrill of travel-of coming and going. It's bittersweet-a change from the ordinary way-sedentary, cliche life pattern that sets in after a few months. I think it's as addicting as Crystal Light and Mexican coffee-it's hard for me to settle down-I'm about to return to Kentucky and yet already planning-planning-God knows.

Each new place I wonder brings me closer to home-out with the old and in with the new that lasts for eternity.

Tomato Patch

Tramping along the verdant grass lane she realized that with each step, she grew closer to the lush overhangs of rich goodness-oval, jagged pallets of greenness. A place to decide. Stocking feet and an ennobled heart allowed her to walk forward. One step took little energy—the obstacle was overcoming a troubled heart. Her prized position lay over the hillside. A blossoming emotion welled up inside her and she almost fainted, she fought deep inside her chest.
Two doors. Two paths. Two winding trails. Raindrops pressing against her temples wet with emotion, hazy. Keys to her heart grasped at a melody that floated along with late night breezes, endearing words orchestrated a sonnet. She was lost and wondering through a forest of Aspen, golden rays breaking through leaflets of ignorance to a fleshed heart plowed by hands of sovereignty.
Light finds darkness and gives life. Aromatic cleanliness of novelty, vibrant buds, roses open their heads to sunshine to take in vanishing glory. Lilies dressed in purple find dignity in their simplistic crown. Gentle strains of music run through the senses to the mind-discern the hearts treasure to find what? Soiled puddles, crisp, invigorating, chilled air, high peaks, and whitened mountains, low meadows, raspberries- nature’s best memories.
Slowly the burden tumbled, but there lay a fortress-the imagination clinging to the wonders of the world-the endless possibilities, doting upon what to create, worship. Wispy winds pulled away the veil to ocean waters holding secrets, the endlessness of God. The vastness opens into millions of diamond-coated quandaries-she grasped, never to hold, articulated, never to truly speak, no solidity among endless relativisms.
Life’s coming in and out, one life to lead and use for good, one heart beating rapidly-sinking into a deep well of inward emotion, about to collapse.
Amarillo daffodils brought smiles and relief. At the end of the day it was all an abstraction, figment of her mind, constant dwelling upon the unfathomable. Instead, the quiet serenity of tealeaves, glistening eyes, familiarity, beholding the God distant from meaningless ramblings of the mind. All brought an end to wonderings. One path. One door. One trail lined with purple lilies.

In the Secret of your Presence, there I am Restored

Oswald Chambers reminded me, with words that always sink deep, that we must create habits, press onward beyond our fleshly temptations and start where we are living our lives in obedience to Christ, creating a life that is pleasing to the Lord. I can still fall back into the old routine of distracting myself with things of this world when I am down and out, bored, or (currently) sick. When Paul spoke of maturing, taking that which we have attained and going forth walking the walk, it wasn't a suck up and just try harder speech, but see all that the Lord has worked in you and take courage in this, go and do greater things through the strength of Christ, rise above the empty distractions of this world.

Yes, I've finally reached the point here where I am sick-I'm losing my stomach, thus tired and drinking a lot of water. Meanwhile, I've borrowed a couple of books to read! John Piper's, Desiring God and E. Elliot's, Through the Gates of Splendor. I'm basking in Elliot's story of her husband Jim and the other guys, abandoned fools for Christ's sake, ignitable unto the Lord by the flame of Christ's victory over our fallenness-a bunch of missionaries that were convinced that their entire lives were worth it for the sake of the cross, sharing this truth with the Auca Indians. So many know their story-praise God there are many other similar stories. I'm amazed. I'm interested. I'm brought to tears when I read the individual stories of how these men were led to Ecuador-taken from their talented, academic worlds and used by God to die for Christ's sake. Wow. God really means it when He says to take up the cross and follow after Him, leaving all behind. The more Christ reveals the power of this to me in my own life, the more I see it as inviting-I give my entirety for Christ's sake-I want to leave the silly notions I cling to-dreams-selfish wants-hopes for only Christ's work here on earth! I pray that I will continually abandon all and be ignitable.

Jim Elliot's storing is inspiring and widely quoted by Christians because its such a clear picture of the purpose of the Spirit here on earth-to bring all to HIm-to build His kingdom. Man's inventions-statuses-the many blessings we are given in life by God are still to be considered lost for the sake of Christ's will-glory. Why did Elizabeth marry Jim a few years before his death? Why did she have to endure the pain? What was God thinking, all those newly married couples with little ones left-widows. Not quite my dream situation-not so romantic-and yet Elizabeth has penned the testimony of Jim and others-the Lord used his murder to draw her nearer to Christ and be used to continue the ministry among the killer Indians. This reflects the theme of God on the cross for us. I long to consider my life not as a sacrifice for the Lord, but not even as my own to give-already abandoned to Him.

I want to close by saying that I have looked over my older blogs and seen a tone or attitude that displeases me-it amazes me how God daily changes our hearts-draws us to Him so that we look at what were were a few days ago and see the marks of His work. Ok, I'm itching to close with the widely popular Jim Elliot quote-so biblical-we need to remind ourselves the truth behind it everyday.

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose" -J Elliot.

Oh, the places you'll go

I reckon it's about time I write again-it has been about a month.
I've got a sugar rush in my head after downing 200 Jelly Beans that I received in a package from home along with some fresh new tea leaves and books...:) Nothing like a rush in the head to help writer's block-or not.

Dr. Suess really meant it when he speaks about life in "Oh, the places you'll go"-deeply profound children's book. You will go to high places and then end up in slumps-currently I'm in a high place, soaking in God's blessings-even amid the faultiness of my life (like covering an entire dry/erase board with the wrong marker...my 6th graders laughing and saying "duh! stupid gringa".)-humble pie is progressively getting tastier, the more I nibble on it. I've enjoyed being back on a schedule-Spring Break was so random and I went on two exhausting trips to rural villages where the temperatures were above 100 degrees and the dust coated my skin giving me an impressive dirt, Chaco tan.

The Caui trip was four days. Lots of kiddos and no sleep. I saw little of the bathroom because there was not always water and due to the truly,truly authentic MX food we were eating-things were a little stopped up. Raw meat carried in buckets to our kitchen/dinning room was a new sight for me. As I sat eating (ALL, no waste) of my soggy tortillas in meat on a bone soaked in a greasy salsa with flies all about I turned to see a little butt-naked child getting cleaned, in the open for everyone to see. Glimpses into what is so ordinary in Caui, was new for me. Caui has a lot of African people mixed in with the Mexican heritage-the people there are beautiful.


At Casa Hogar I'm able to laugh a lot more with the older girls and find ways to mingle with them, whether braiding their hair constantly or just being silly, silly,silly. Big weekend plans: I get to go to a 3rd graders birthday party! :) In Mexico they have Dia de Ninos which is an entire weekend/season that celebrates children-yeah, really. For Easter we had a beautiful sunrise service on the coast!

My brain is currently: exhausted. I am fighting tiredness these days, but surviving with lots of tea and coffee. Spiritually, I am attempting stay daily in tune with God-resting in His strength-the strength of joy in any circumstance! However, I have been having fearful dreams at night-and am praying to be rid of them. There was some drug violence/shoot out on the main road not long after the kids and I passed along last week-5 people killed.

I'm getting so incredibly lazy about writing and so I believe this is about all I have to say! I'm currently writing a newsletter/prayer letter to send out. If you are not receiving those emails and would like to, just let me know.

I've been accepted into UK Graduate School, but am currently praying about whether that is really where I'm supposed to end up. My heart and mind is so often elsewhere-I want to continue to serve overseas-working with orphans. I read an article in my new favorite magazine-WORLD-about the number of orphans in Haitit that has doubled and will probably never be adopted-increasing possibilities of more child trafficking. This news tugs at my heart and I don't just want to dream of ways to eventually help them, but like Nehemiah-just do it. But, I am waiting on God.

Thank you for your prayers! I will try to write sooner with more news because I leave ACA June 7th!

I love the smell of Chocolate cake baking

Blessed? I’ve received more than enough blessings from my Lord in the past few weeks. Unmistakable joy in the hope of my Lord amid the painful moments that my soul has endured-here’s an attempted to give a more mental image of what I’m saying:
The devil, my sin, flesh is still tempted by that which I can’t see-the evil forces in our world-I succumbed to thoughts and constant dwellings upon my ungodliness, the weaknesses, imperfections that lie open, ugly to all who do not have the forgiving eye of Jesus Christ. About a week ago, such realizations were made known to me verbally by a fellow Christian-causing me to rack my brain-focus on my egotistical habits-I could see where indeed I’d fallen short-daily. The knowledge of my deep issues pierced my heart unlike anything else I’ve experienced here in MX. There will always be opposition in ministry and I was facing it (still do). For a couple days I slacked, nearly cried in front of my 4th graders, and wanted to quit everything, get away-far away from the burden of guilt, knowing I wasn’t doing good enough-and even worse, someone else had noticed-truly a nightmare for me.
I was so weighed down and tired. Darkness before the light of day-redeeming hope of grace and love-where was it? I was in a pit. I was praying. Others were praying. God is always working. A few days and I awoke from sleep and felt at ease, the great burden was gone and I saw afresh all the good that can be done through my life and the importance of getting back up, throwing away my torn down pride-clinging to Jesus and the beckoning truth that is essential for me-go and fulfill God’s purpose here on earth-let go-let God lead me. The renewed hope didn’t just bring happiness, but zeal from the Holy Spirit that works to overcome all obstacles. Once my eyes were directed to God’s forgiveness, I was able to look farther, move as if on eagles wings-bless those about me-arise above people, their words, and feelings for me.
This was such a blessing from above! Part of my mind thought, wow-if it get’s this hard; I must be on the downhill slope now during my time here. Of course I was wrong. As I sit here and type-the emotions flow within my chest, dizzying my mind. I want to cry-to go beyond the difficulty of the Christian walk, which is necessary for me to have faith in God. Only God. There are times when I am here and confused about why I am so lonely, missing home, longing to leave and go somewhere where I feel loved-where people know me and I can just rest, feel safe with them and not be alone. God chooses to take that which I am regularly blessed with away, so that I will face the actuality of faith in God alone, not in His blessings. Loneliness? I have many orphans around me to keep me company-I must arise above such thoughts. God gives me this ability, but I am always on my knees first.
Faith in God alone has meant being torn away from the affections of others-when you reach a place where you know that it is just you and God. Yes, the church, yes Christian fellowship, yes living in the world but not of it-but only always you and God. The relationship-my faith, hope, trust, love, worship only for Him. To get there, He pulls all the others away. Ha-and especially for me, a people-pleasing romantic, longing to be liked by everyone, enjoying being among people all the time, leaning, resting on others-it’s a perfect target. God has called me here to ACA, a place where I’m facing separation from the above idols, the Holy Spirit leading the way.
This is not an update on my doings, only soul-the abstract-which I find to be much of what the Christian walk is. Christianity just isn’t practical or reasonable.
I’m on my two-week spring break, which is filled with helping out the American missions team serving/staying at Casa Hogar (construction, Bible studies, singing etc.) and preparing for a mission trip to a rural village next week with Maranatha church. Also, this is Easter week-a time of remembrance-and so there are a few services to attend at church. I’m able to sleep in some more and rest-my body is exhausted ☺
Right now I am watching Beauty and Beast with the girls…we just made cake! Yum-if I ever need a “ministry opportunity” with the girls…we just make brownies or cake. ☺ Will write soon concerning my trips to rural villages.

Sunshine on my Shoulders makes Me Happy

I've made it to a Starbucks-where the police monitor the doors with guns.
It's been a long day at school. Yesterday I started my new head teaching job-ESL to 4, 5, and 6th. Once again I'm forced to completely let go and rely on God to sustain me amid this new job. I've taken over for an older American teacher who was fluent in Spanish and had been teaching at the school for 10 years. I'm not sure if I can fill her shoes-this is my first teaching job and I don't even fully know the language of the students I'm teaching! Working with the little ones was different...

Monday-Mandy and I took the bus to Mega (kind of like Target but not nearly as nice) and I bought a couple light blue shirts so that I could match the other teachers-be "professional". I'd much rather wear a tank top, chacos, and shorts-but I guess I have to look the part, so much for comfort :)

I'm sipping on a Mocha Latte-AH! The wonder of coffee-expresso-chocolate. I had an excuse to head to Starbucks (pronounced "starbooks" in Spanish) after school today. I need full wireless connection for a Skype interview for grad school. So I get to sit in AC and drink coffee to extract the remaining bits of energy left in me. Last night I only slept about three hour. It's getting hotter here (yes, I know for Ky this is great-primavera is coming!) but for MX it is almost unbearable. No AC. AH! :) But I'm not as close to the equator as some folks. I'd like to shoot all the street dogs here. Yes, shoot them. Relieve them of their agony and hunger and diseases and...I might get more sleep at night. The poor dogs bark all night.

Some Gator fans came my way this past weekend-visited Casa Hogar. It was so much fun! We went to see the divers on the Pacific coast and ate at the Pink Flamingo Hotel-highlight of the 40's apparently. There was a Hollywood Hall of Fame where John Wayne and others had vacationed back in the day. I put some photos up on FB of the view- spectacular!

Some of the girls are getting lice at Casa Hogar from school-I am crossing my fingers I don't get lice! And I'm rinsing my hair with white vinegar twice a week. Apparently it makes your hair shinier too :)

So, I love teaching.
Even when I'm lacking sleep, impatient, some of the students don't have their own books, and I'm unable to translate sentences into perfect Spanish, I am thankful to have this position. I just act a lot and draw pictures. :) I'm trying to figure out how to teach outdoor adventure sports (that is the theme of our entire 6th grade unit for this month!) to kids that have never been horseback riding, rock climbing, white water rafting, on a hot air balloon, or on a plane-it's difficult. I am constantly frustrated with the textbooks so I make up my own lessons...if only I could take those 6th graders on a field trip to the Red River Gorge to rock climb and show them what outdoor adventures are really like... :)

Well, I should prepare for this interview. Audios mi amigas!

Breaking News from the Sunburned Teacher who Speaks Spanglish

Newest update as of Friday-another working of God's hands through my ministry here: I've been asked to teach 4,5, and 6th grade English. Dorothy-who teaches them now is leaving Wed. She is from the states and married a Hispanic. They want to retire close to her family. The teacher she had in line to fill her spot is unable to come-so I will be the new head teacher for those classes. I will be here until the school season is almost over, which works out perfectly. I'm really excited to be able to get to know the older ones, although I'll miss the Preschoolers and Kindergarten kiddos I worked with. It has been difficult getting to know the older girls at Casa Hogar-something about those teenage years. Even in the states, teens don't open up easily. I've always enjoyed being involved in the lives of youth at the two ranches I worked at and hope to do the same here...it's a slow process. But, when you are their teacher, you can't help but get to know them! Once again God affirms my purpose for being here in MX!

Also, I'm enjoying my hilarious, jocular, fellow teachers. Most of them are gals, single, and in their late 20's early 30's-so as usual, I am the baby. We have fun.

Yesterday was my first day of swimming lessons. Envision a tall white girl, roasting in the sun (I wore sunscreen....but....agh. I guess I'll have to work on my tan the painful/unhealthy way), screaming in spanglish to a bunch of energetic 2nd graders. I was hoping to work on technique...one of my downfalls is that I expect too much and get frustrated when things aren't what I'd hoped for-too idealistic. I will be happy if the kids learn to float by the end of the school year-however, if they can learn streamline, how to kick the right way, and some basic freestyle, I'll be happy :)

Some of you know...I lost my debit card a couple weeks ago.: ( Yep. My mind is always-absent-I leave things everywhere (you will not want to be my friend once I hit my 40s and 50s-ha). Thankfully God looks after me and showers down millions of little mercies. Even when I am at an ATM machine, constantly looking over my shoulders and scoping my surroundings-making sure I get a receipt and not counting my cash openly-I leave my card in the machine. Figures. Thankfully, I think it ate my card because three days later I realized my predicament and called the bank-nothing was stolen. Since then I've been creative with how to get money-after I called the bank I found a message from one of my friends saying that he knew someone that was coming to Casa Hogar with MTW in April and could bring anything I needed :-)

It's Saturday and I'm excited because.....I GET TO GO TO WALMART! Never knew the day that going to Walmart would be special. I'm meeting Mandy and we get to experience the wonder of it together. It takes about an hour for me to get to Walmart and their selection is MUCH better than any of the markets close by. I don't go often. There is no beef jerky, BBQ pork skins, or frozen biscuit dough, but ACA Walmart does have Kraft Mac n' Cheese :) haha-it is the little things in life that can be so exciting!

Thoughts-while clipping clean clothes on the clothing line under a starlit sky

Whole moon adorned -jeweled stars,
Twine vertically, swooping - a smile
Stretched by chain-linked bars.
Quixotic, aromatic, dampness once a pile
Doomed.

Deprivation-bygone that which clasped me fast.
Familiarity smiling upon impatience
Falsely subduing-chaste,
Laughter pleasing myself.

Taken by my Beloved,
Insipid being blooms?
Upward gaze I to my Beloved
My opened wound swoons.

Lifted higher went my head
“No”, said my soul
You, Him, be lifter higher, ahead,
Praise that which took the toll

Void-that which held me
Once upon a time dependency
My mind, heart did not see.

Clipped clean
Bayed breeze
Drying, seen.

My clean clothing floats against glowing mountains, oranged waters, silent nighttime, fluttering with ease-delicious-air that tastes good-of freedom.

Your word is a light unto my path...

Completely relaxed on my lap, head on my shoulders-Minxzy was sweaty from a long day-tired. I only hoped that my shoulder was not too bony for her to rest her head on-or for any of the other children that have piled onto my lap to sleep over the past month.
Another angry, rebellious frown from Eric in 1st grade-ugh. 1st grade is at 8am and their high activity or extreme laziness can cause one to think all is lost-but I'm learning that as a teacher you can never think all is lost-even when your ideas/ teaching methods flop.
Eric and his brother Miseal live at Casa Hogar with me. They can be smart when they want to, when they are not angry, or annoyed with life. Similarly, Minxzy is often angry about living at Casa Hogar. Anger. Why? Living with and teaching the same kids has given me an inside perspective into their true situation as "orphans" or children that have parents who choose not to keep them or cannot (and promise to eventually come and never do). I see their plight-they do not have parents or they know that their family has abandoned them and left them here. I see the blessing that the ministry of Casa Hogar and New Horizon School has been to their little lives. They have interns that come live here and love on them-they have Loolve and the few other adults that live here. But, they do not have parents like you and I-they have a lot of inner issues-anger. It carries over into their schoolwork-their attitude in the classroom. Yes, they are cute-adorable-but they carry a lot of inner turmoil.

My heart feels the depth of the hurt in these children's lives that I'm sure would have gone unnoticed (on my part) if I did not live so closely with them. I want to find loving parents for them-I want to be a parent to them-I pray that God will change their hearts so that can let go of the anger and see Jesus as one who can be their parent. Still, the scars are there, evident in how they eat up all the attention they can get (even when a crazy white gringo chica tries to hang out with them, nodding and attempting poorly pronounced Spanish) or whether they don't ever want to do their own work-lack self-confidence in the classroom.
It's unjust how family members have treated them-whether abuse-leaving them to scrounge for themselves on the streets-or just not wanting to take care of them. When the family is broken (like the rest of our world), little lives are torn apart and they react like we all do when we know we've been mistreated-we grow angry-we harbor it inside-forgiveness is beyond words-it is impossible. But, when we are forgiven by our Savior we can forgive those who have inflicted even the deepest wounds. Please pray that these children at Casa Hogar would understand-be drawn to Jesus Christ and his forgiving heart. That they will not walk paths of deep sin unattended to, but would be healed of all their brokenness.
All I can do is pray for them-allow the Lord to guide me into their lives; show them God's love.

We are not sure what is wrong with Liam-he is a preschooler that cannot remain quiet for long. They do not have testing for children here to find out their disabilities. Liam always jumps on the teachers and other children, attempted hugs, huge, boisterous hugs. He needs constant discipline-he makes teaching preschool much harder. My initial reaction to him is frustration-but God is using him to show me how to be gentle-to show Liam how to be gentle-to have patience every minute of my day. When I'm tired and don't feel like having children jump on me (when it's happened all day)-I need to be calm-loving-gentle with Liam. Ah, that I may have only words of kindness and actions that are gentle.

The night before I boarded my plane for Acapulco, my Mom gave me a gift-something I greatly treasure. A silver chain necklace with a verse on it. "Your word is a light to me path and a light to my feet" Psalm 119:105 And it has some flowers carved in around it. I never take this necklace off and the children love to touch it and stare at it when I bend over their desks to help them with their work. Today, Christy (Minxzy's older sister-4th grade) stood touching it and looking at it intently and then she ran to get a Bible. There was one that had both English and Spanish translation and she looked up the verse so she could understand what it said-for some reason it was moment I won't forget-watching little children drawn to scripture. It's truly of the Spirit.

I have the opportunity to teach swim lessons twice a month at school now! New Horizon is in an old hotel-painted-changed up a bit. But there is still a pool-small but will work to teach them the basics for freestyle-floating-kicking-stretching. I'm so excited that I get to se something I did for over 9 years-share it with the kids. I guess I'll have to bring out the old guard suite, goggles, and cap. Yay! Now my mind is floating back to countless swim practices and the lessons I taught at the YMCA in high school.

Also, I had the opportunity to meet with Pame again on Saturday. We are working on creative writing (yes and next week is poetry;)). We prayed together and then Pame shared her life story with me (and her sister Monse who lives at Casa Hogar). They have lived here for 14 years, waiting the entire time for their mother to come get them. Apparently their mother is blind and so they grew up at first with their grandma in Acapulco (originally from Mexico City)-but she neglected them and abused them. They were on the streets for awhile. Pame says that she was so angry for a long time-even at Casa Hogar. But, she is 21 now and a couple from the US is sponsoring her to attend the university so she can eventually get a job and take care of her mother. Pame is a Christian and she wants to work in missions with street children. God has changed her heart-I hope to get to know her better-encourage and uplift her (or more like visa-versa). So exciting how each week God shows me more of my purpose for being here! Even.....when I lose my debit card. True. But, I did not lose any money-Praise the Lord!

I suppose this has turned into a book again. Ah. And there is more to tell. I must get off because I am exhausted-as always when I write on here. More of school /ministry/God forming me tomorrow-so much-I need to rest. I'm really into dashes these days-haha-I always loved how Emily Dickenson used dashes....
Buenos Noches

Shakespeare, brownies, extensive coloring, and 1st grade

I'm sipping on te de verde-green tea! yum! So-its been a long day-but highly eventful. Typical day-up at 6:30 (God says-Arise! Shine!:))- leave Casa Hogar with the kids at 7:20 for school-teach until 2-hour bus ride back to Casa Hogar in traffic (ugh..but Liz usually falls asleep in my arms...so its not so bad)-nap/chill time (hottest time of the day!)-help with homework/hang out with the girls-el ninos hit their pillows at 9 and I manage to read/write before I get some sleep. 

1st grade is by far the most challenging class! Mandy has a Tracy Chapman (never heard of him-but now he is quite my favorite because-) cd that has worked magic on our crazy class of kiddos-along with some incense the kids immediately settle down-relief! For the past two weeks we have been doing secret friends at school-so all the teachers give each other secret gifts everyday-its been fun! Coke is everywhere here! And it is much tastier and cheaper-they use real sugar and a larger coke is less than a dollar.
Coloring, coloring, coloring. I never knew that being a teacher involved so much cutting, pasting, and coloring:) Thankfully, I love to draw! So, sitting with the little ones and drawing is relaxing-soothing-haha, and the kids love it when I draw self-portraits of them.
On Saturday I shared with Loolve and some of the other girls Shakespeare-sonnet 116 (my favorite) and made them brownies. It was so much fun! Loolve recited it over and over again with great empathy-passion-drama-<3-love it!

There is an opportunity for me to teach/tutor one of the older gals at Casa Hogar named Pam. She is at the university and knows quite a bit of English, but wants to improve her grammar and essay writing skills-perfect! I'll be giving her homework every week and working one-on-one with her on Saturday mornings. I pray that God will use this to deepen our relationship-so that we can be spiritually close-encourage/pray with each other.

Humph-so today I had one of those selfish-"nothing is going well for me" breakdowns. I hate to say that I went to that extreme-but alas all I can boast in the God who uses my lackluster being. After school I came home hoping to go running-but it was so hot and I am unable to run very far because of safety and so was pouting about that-I was so hot, tired, and angrily asked God, why am I here? Ah, I was fighting, battling the urges to shut all out around me and just be miss grumpy pants about what I don't get to do here-its such a weighty, sick feeling when egotism casts it gloomy shadow over your mind and soul. I've not been able to exercise much at all here-which is usually my release and time alone. All this to say-I was incredibly ucky feeling and angry- a pitiful sight indeed! God is faithful even to pathetic, selfish, persons such as myself. Praise music and prayer-wow-my energy came back and I spent the rest of the evening with the girls laughing-more coloring :) playing-speaking little bits of Spanish. It was a splendid evening and its hard for me to imagine that I was in such a horrid pit. I will forever praise His name! I rejoice in Him!

A myriad of thoughts

I sit upon a wooden stool on the third floor-balcony and all the el ninos are in bed. It's still early yet-but 6am will come oh so soon in the morning-another day teaching!:)

As I sit, after the heat and sweat of the day-it is an exceptionally breezy night-I like to imagine like a crazy romantic, that there are far away spices and unknown things carried across the Pacific through the Acapulco bay breeze-haha! I'm on the west coast, but tucked away on the coast of the bay-I've yet to see the real beach where I hear the waves are far too crazily dashing and grand to swim in. 

My favorite evenings are the ones when a neighbor (we are packed in tight!) is playing music-always soothing melodies that almost sound Italian...but then there is, slow, mellow  Spanish singing mixed in with dogs barking, the leaves, laughing, rustling in the wind, cars, distant yells-I guess growing up in Lexington has not allowed me much exposure to the city-big scity-more than 2 million. 

I've been learning to embrace the culture-embracing that which God has called me to do here and that which He is to do to me! 

I just finished Fyodor Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment-favorite quote: The protagonist Raskolnikov: "In misery he asked himself this question, and could not understand that at the very time he had been standing looking into the river, he had perhaps been dimly conscious of the fundamental falsity in himself and his convictions. He didn't understand that that consciousness might be the promise of a future crisis, of a new view of life and of his future resurrection." This comes in the Epilogue when Raskolnikov is in prison for his crime- murder-although gloomy, this story paints a picture of redemption in the life of a murderer-that which resurrection which he does not choose but that which God chooses to work within Him. There are many moments he almost committed suicide amid the agony of the guilt that become his own punishment, mentally and physically. But, God has led him to redemption, that he compares to the story of Lazeras coming back from the dead. It causes me to think of my own sinful state and how, although I have a free will, God has chosen to work within me and redeem me, do great things that I would never have chosen if His Spirit did not groan within me-

Anyway, my rant on the Russian classic is more like my nostalgia for English college classes-analysis-I do miss them-nothing but the Literature and Philosophy classes:)

All this to say, I am not in college but in MEXICO!

Monday of this week I was unhappy and struggling all day. Tuesday, God started to give me joy-thanksgiving for random things-like the dimpled smiles of my adorable students. The hugs (more than 20 a day for sure) from these precious little persons. I've always been a long waisted gal-haha, and I'm the perfect height for most of my kindergarten, 1,2 graders-they cling to my waist and I love it! I have taken many pictures and am attempting to put them up-no luck so far. 

I could write an entire blog on the school system here and how refreshing it is from the states....the children have plenty of recess time to rid themselves of energy-we do not let the children do as they please, but allow them to be kids. We have quiet a few little artist who like to draw while I'm teaching-instead of yelling at these artists, Mandy and I try to make sure that they are at least following us in the textbook-I've yet to here or see any crazy yelling from the teachers-thank God! 

My favorite part of teaching is reading the children story books-I bask in the quietness of it-they all seem to magicly hush up and become absorbed in "Harry the dog didn't want to take a bath" sort of stories ;) ha. I love it. I love the way the children from Casa Hogar want to be touched, held,-there are so many to love and none of them have parents to regularly give them that attention.

My fellow teachers are such a blessing! We have been able to hang out on the weekends-but they dont speak English (very little) and so I am forced to speak more Spanish!

Alberto-a crazy-curly headed-little preschooler had quite the time today looking me in the face and saying in Spanish-blow, blow,blow! I was chewing gum and he was incredibly fascinated by popping my Bubble gum-ha! Like I said-pictures to come and you will see the irresistibleness of these precious children! God's little ones.

Yum-the breeze is delicious. Tonight I had a great talk with my gift from God, Loovle! Oh how I love her! :) We drank tea and it was so nice to have a deep, long conversation about how God is working. Loovle-if you are reading this-know that I am encouraged by you and your love for the children at Casa Hogar!

One of my favorite verses is from Jeremiah 17:7-11-I've been meditating on it a lot this week-it speaks of how God can only know our hearts! Think-of all the heartache-confusion-wishful thinking of "if only someone understood"-felt the way you felt-the heart is deceptive-yes-because it is so complex!-Praise God that he can search it and know it completely-He knows my heart and the depths of my feelings/emotions!

Also, God has been using Oswald Chamber's words in "My Utmost for His Highest" -great devotional book-ancient-but Biblical. 

One of them has remained fresh on my heart and mind this week-I'll quote it below in hopes that it challenges you as it did me-and encourages!:)

ARE YOU READY TO BE OFFERED?

"I'm already being poured out as a drink offering..." 2 Timothy 4:6

I'm ready to be offered. It is a transaction of will, not of sentiment. Tell God you are ready to be offered; then let the consequences be what they may, there is no strand of complaint now, no matter what God chooses. God puts you through the crisis in private, no one person can help another. Externally the life may be the same; the difference is in will. Go through the crisis in will, then when it comes externally there will be no though of the cost. If you do no transact in will with God along this line, you will end in awakening sympathy for yourself. 

"Bind the sacrifice with cords, even unto the horns of the later." The alter means fire-burning and purification and insulation for one purpose only, the destruction of every affinity that God has not started and of every attachment that is not an attachment in God. You do not destroy it, God does; you bind the sacrifice to the horns of the alter; and see that you do not give way to self-pity when the fire begins. After this way of fire, there is nothing that oppresses or depresses. When the crisis arises, you realize that things cannot touch you as they used to do. What is your way of fire?

Tell God you are ready to be offered, and God will prove Himself to be all you ever dreamed He would be.

Is this not igniting to the soul? I pray that all who read this will go forth and offer yourself up. There is so much in my life I must offer...sacrifice.

Ah, I would like to go on about my time in Acapulco but I am exhausted and should head to bed. It's nice to have a bit of quiet and share these happenings with you. 

New Shoes and Gringos from TN!

So, today was another gift from God, sunshine, life, Loovle :),  but also difficult. As the sun was setting this evening (my favorite time of the day here!) I was praying to God because I am having a hard time giving myself wholeheartedly unto the Lord..letting go of what I am so used to having at home. Little Bethe came running up the stairs with a new pair of pretty shoes and thrust them at me with some scissors asking me to cut off the strings so she could put them on her little feet. She was so excited!! :) I looked over the balcony to see what was going on below.

 There is a concrete open place where all of the children play and their/my housing is built all around. There were gringos down there passing out gifts! I was hesitant at first to come down...Apperently an older couple from Knoxville, TN were at Casa Hogar buying pizza for the kids and giving out gifts. They had southern accents, familiar and sweet to my ears-English! (ha, and I've only been here a week....) They thought I was just like their granddaughter and were very encouraging to me. They have a condo here that they said I could come visit if I wanted. They will be here until March. They have been coming for years and gave me a little bit more idea of the background these children come from (sad stories). Whether it be the smiles because of a new pair of sandals or God's faithfulness...all I can do is rejoice even amid the slow, tough moments here. Ha, and every time I meet knew people whether at the school or with gringos, Minxzy runs and jumps into my arms and says "this is my moma!" May God use a sinner like me to love and share Christ with these children.

One day

What about those days when you get up and think about your day and what you want to do with it? You have certain responsibilities but so much time in between and so many choices, ways to live your day your personal style. What about at the end of the day when you reflect back on what you did-whether you were  productive with your day? How so? Did you go a lot of places, work hard to finish a project, did you read? Did you spend time with those you loved? What about sacrifice? Did you listen to the Lords calling to sacrifice moments, hours, choices, control for His glory? Did you follow His calling to be moved by Him, directed by Him not according to what you think and want, but to what He chooses?

I spent the entire day at Casa Hogar-no school because there has been a lot of rain and so the streets are flooded. Thus, I’m called to love and spend time-to be in one place all day. Two rooms, three including the bathroom. AH! The difficulty of lifting God higher! His name higher above mine is beyond me, I call God to change my heart, to show me how through the Spirit to answer his calling to do as He wants  with my day. I analyze, question-am I doing efficient work? Am I being productive? Am I successful in my ministry here? I put far too much worth in my work, in my standard of ministry, of success. I compare what God has called me to do with my day to that which I think would be better-doing as I please with all of my time. Breaking away from my selfish habits are so difficult-being led by the Spirit is not predictable, it is not comfortable, in the eyes of so many it is not successful. But, externally it may look seem one-dimensional, but sacrificing my will for God’s is dynamic, it happens in my soul, heart, mind, is beautiful to me because God is exalted and my flesh condemned.

May the Lord take that which is in our control daily, thrust it from our greedy hands and lead us towards that which we least like, want to do. I’ve spent most of the day running to the Lord and saying, How? How do I do this? Why? Ah, Why? Why? Why? Why? I am so unable to fathom His will. But He has brought me here. There is no other place I must be. May God be praised through my life, may He us me in ways I never know and never need to know. May I trust Him. May we as Christians let go of the control and will we have, the choice we think we have to give here and there…give it all.

Acapulco

I give thanks to you ,O Lord my God , With my whole heart, and I will glorify your name forever, For great is your steadfast love toward me! Psalm 85

Lord, have your way with my life no matter where you take me. Kill the flesh within me. May I only seek and serve you forever! Praise your name for you are ever faithful to me! I cried out to you when I was alone and afraid and you answered my prayers, when I turn my eyes and speak only of your splendor do I have peace. You protect me and give me discernment even when I am tempted to be fearful, when I am ever turning my head and uneasy. But I have hope and can rest in you Oh Lord!

I have been in Acapulco for only two days and yes, I’ve been a victim of culture shock (yes its “normal” but so difficult!) . I did not expect it, but when Ellen left me at Casa Hogar and there were lots of Spanish speaking children piled in one room (the main area where Loolve and I have our rooms) I was overwhelmed. I was exhausted from the day of traveling and driving around the congested Acapulco with Ellen and Mandy. 

There was a full moon Friday night and I do not think I will ever forget that full moon through the high windows in my room. I have never felt so alone and afraid. But, I listened to praise music and called out to the Lord and He answered meme and gave me peace. I had to explain my swollen eyes in the morning to Ellen.

Honestly, I’ve found that being flexible, having no real schedule (they do not believe in time like Americans do) listening most of the time, living on no sleep,constant noise (this city is huge and compact), and having no cell phone has shown how incredibly weak I am and dependent on God for strength. I thank Him for this! That I must have Him, need Him for all things.

I’m going running with Ellen at 6:30 tomorrow morning (its a holiday so I do not have to teach), today I found out that my new friend/ fellow teacher’s parrot “Sky” has a crush on me (he shows off his colorful feathers to me), and last night I had a sleepover. There were five girls sleeping in one room laughing and joking and I am learning Spanish so very fast! So exciting!! So, amid all of the inward fear and my apparent weakness, there has been laughter.

As I sit here I am thankful for God’s Words to me. For the Spirit, for worship. Worship is soothing and calming to me! Praise God! He is doing so much in my heart! If you are reading this and have been praying for me, God is answering your prayers! He is constantly in my heart and protecting me, challenging me, making me rely on Him and not any feeling, person, wishful dream-only the reality that God is present and leads me. I am confident that He has me here and I am living amid His will!

Also, I already met someone that will help teach me how to cook Mexican! And one of the older gals here at Casa Hogar wants me to work with her on her English on Saturdays. And little Beth (pictures to come in the next month) is so precious to me already! Wait until you see pictures! I am going to wait until after a couple of weeks to put them up, I want to have plenty. Well, Audios!

?

I'm trying to concentrate, to find some fragment of the stream of thoughts floating about in my soggy mind. Ah, I've even just finished a cup of coffee and my mind is not very active. I have to write because I need to release some quandaries that invade my mind, cause me to keep questioning.

I suppose what tugs at my mind is the this phase that I've entered into: post-graduate life. It's going to be short lived in that I leave for MX in about a week, but I've probably been given to much time to think about things. To sit in Coffea and overhear some of the intense, but at times useless conversations that sitting a few inches from people affords me to have access to. I escape the world of intelligencia when I graduate, in that I'm not in classes being probed to think much. Alas, I've got the time to read what I want to and walk through my day with more ease and time. However, as I jump back into that world, sitting at this coffee shop I hear philosophies, I see professors discussing the Enlightenment, Kant... the academic talk that I know too well. 

As I type I am sitting next to two Philosophy professors. They continue to discuss, turn over, probe, question....its great, perhaps it opens my mind to the different pockets of people that exists, the different talents that God has given us, but then I search for meaning in it, the good it offers? I'm going to be a high school English teacher, well attempt to receive what the government requires teachers to have...and pay off my school loans. It's going to be what some academics would say "ordinary" and won't involve much reading other than, "How to better manage the classroom" or "How to improve student's scores under the No Child Left Behind Act" Yikes.....it's going to be frustrating.

So, I'll let the pent up feelings overflow.....

Why, within academic circles (mostly universities) is there a constant sense of competitiveness concerning one's knowledge, understanding, books one's read, grades, certain rhetoric, the floating around of ideas, the need to impress, to act fake so that you have status. Perhaps I've just felt this stagnation in these circles because I have been a victim.  I've become  aware that I am a victim and seeing the down sides to it causes me to be bothered by it; I do not want to be in bondage to it. All of this search for identity in the world through academics is so fleeting, vanishing, useful? Yes, perhaps, but easily deceptive as well. It is deceptive because it brings one into a false sense of being, it puffs one up so that there is a complete dependence one's self and mind. It is not authentic, it does not allow one to love and relate to other people outside of your academic realm where only certain individuals can understand your elite streams of thoughts. It's limiting even when you don't think it is because you are so solidly mounted up in all that you have been taught, believe, and have spent hours sorting through with reason, logic.

Hm, these are just thoughts. This is just a blog that only a few find time to read. I'd like to think on it further. It's humbling to think of being entirely declothed of all the earthly knowledge one has obtained..and to remain standing before God, helpless and dependent on Him, merely groaning inside, unspeakable before God. This is the reality of man's situation. This is the truth amid all of the hours we spend studying about this world, human theories, ideas, attempts in history, philosophies of God's existence, metaphysics, sciences..Perhaps I speak from ignorance in all this. I do. And yet I know that it is true that all humans stand as lost individuals in need of God's loving guidance, He is so gracious in that He sees are feeble attempts and still shows patience towards us. 

Don't get me wrong. Learning is not something I am bashing, but is something that should exist to build up human beings as well rounded individuals able to fully develop their potential, the gifts God has bestowed upon them.

Darkness at Noon- Story of Rubashov

Phases of light , dimmed by the overcast glow of evening, sleepy-eyed skies that barely give enough rays to see, pleasant sublimity, I'm resting-mind and soul, aware of only that realm where God is looking upon me. As I rest, I ponder with eyelids nearly shut, the lovingkindess of God towards me repeated in Psalm 136. The piano keys of the amazing Italian musician, Ludivoci Einaudi play and I realize that the beauty of the tones are tunes that hit the very core of my being. I know that I am in God's presence and He formed the hands that play, the technology that allows me to float along with the melody, the abstractness and reality of God's presence, dictatorship over my life is good and pure. 

I've escaped into my head, my heart, and soul, where the truth abides, where God calms me, and the Spirit works in mysterious ways. I think of Rubashov and his story. The Moscow Trials that involved  N.S Rabushov. A story in the context of the government under Stalin's Communist rule, the subtle and yet drastic forces that his ideology had on the people. The story is interesting to me, melancholy but stunning to my situation in life. When reading historical fiction, I'm always blown away by the impact it has on my perception of life, my own personal circumstances. Rubashov has been repeatedly arrested for political divergencies.The story begins when he is arrested and eventually is interviewed by his once friend and now persecutor, Ivanov. Besides the specific insight that this book has into the horrors of Communism, a socialistic government that is not about the people, but falsely hopeful, and destructive beyond comprehension. Prison life is depicted, similar to that of Juan Valjuan in Les Meserables. Rows of cell rooms that contain once political leaders, intellectuals, who have conversations by tapping, coding different letters so that they can communicate the executions of their friends, once fellow citizens. 

Rubashov walks, paces for hours, day dreaming and thinking, trying to sort through his stance politically, as a member of the Party, a secret revolutionary. He writes, paces, smokes cigarettes, writes, daydreams. These prison scenes remind me of John Bunyan, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, and Paul who all wrote profound words while imprisoned. 

As Ludovico Einaudi tunes my heart to abstract beauty I think of the author of the beauty and how much He loves me. What will be the tunes of heaven, of eternity when this temporary life vanishes and we are in another place? Beyond my means of fathoming. The presence of God will be fully known to us-we won't be weighed down by the oppressions of the world. 

Rubashov's heart was heavy within him, along with thousands of other imprisoned individuals who rot day upon end, packed full throughout myriads of corrupt moments in history. A history that was all about politics and not about the people. Beyond man's futile and failing efforts towards a reformed government, education, and citizen, what other hope is exists? Redeeming salvation must and is so readily found outside of all human existence, outside of our entire galaxy.

Where are you and I amid all of this? Living our lives, walkin' the walk, and knowing that the sweet, precious presence of God and His lovingkindess is hovering over us, this world is not the sublimity of eternity. I've not finished Rubashov's story yet, but I think that after the third hearing he will be executed unjustly, for standing against old friends, a corrupt government that blindly searches for truth.

The story is titled: Darkness at Noon by Arthur Koestler

My uncle says its on all the top politically conservative lists of must-read-books.  It's a good read.

Coffee in Carmel

I'm a sittin' at a table in Carmel, IN a sippin' on a bit of Hazelnut brew and a thinkin' about life :)

Lots of fun with my lil' cousins: Yatzee, speed Scrabble,  Nerdz, Clue, making jelly filled cookies, sledding, watching UK basket ball beat FL, listening to my aunt's amazing advice on life and relationships, shopping in Indianapolis, late night, phone convos with Tori: life is such a blessing.

I randomly stopped at a Carmel coffee shop to get some coffee and wireless. I finally, after a year, have a radio/cd player in my gorgeous lil' beat up tin can '95 Honda!  (thanks to my uncle) Next thing on my list before I head back to Lexington: buy a Brooke Fraser cd.

I've been a prayin' and a thinkin' a lot about the time I've been given to spend in MX (and not in college classes! woot!). Praise God that He is using me to love little ones! Ah! 

Amid all that God is bestowing upon me, I cannot forget about those in Haiti. The thousands that don't know Christ, are lying on pavement crying right now, in the depths of despair, hurting, questioning, angry. The deaths, the numbers are so many. My heart aches for them. I pray that thousands of other hearts will ache and will turn to our sovereign God and trust Him amid this calamity, trust Him and obey Him by helping those in Haiti by praying, giving, and going. 

May God's glory still be seen amid all the pain, may there be healing and renewal amid all the pain.

I'm packin' up and headin' back to the home of my favorite colors blue n' white.

Mission to the World: Teaching in Acapulco, MX

I want to use this blog to share with you my trip to Acapulco, MX.  I'll be teaching children English at the New Horizon Christian school once I arrive. I'll be living at the Casa Hogar children's home. 

You can check out the Casa Hogar children's home/ministry at:

http://www.casahogaracapulco.org/site/index.php

I'll be leaving January 29th and will return to Lexington, Ky on June 7th. I'll try to post photos/stories of my time there on this blog. :-)

The Lord will bless his people with peace

"The Lord will give strength unto his people; the Lord will bless his people with peace" Psalm 29:11

First blog and I don't know how to begin.

I suppose I won't begin, I'll just start where I am.

There are buckets of snow outside, not just white powdery stuff, but starlets that sparkle and numb the myriads of sounds-kind of like God's peace in our lives. Lives that are complex when we dwell upon what we want, desire, long for-voices calling to us when we are found among friends, society, our culture-and we want to feed off those we are with, their responses, what they think of us, where we stand among them in status.

 

Yes, I'm about to make a huge metaphorical connection between nature and God, first time its ever been done I know. :-)

Experiencing God's peace has never come naturally to me, but has always been after prayer or acts of obedience to the Lord. The moments in my life that I submit myself to God in prayer and not just feel good about myself, but where I am in God's will-this is when I understand the unlimited, settling power of peace. It's when you've waited a long time, when it seems like its been forever (Wait on the Lord. Take heart have courage. Wait on the Lord, Psalm 27) that you receive God's blessing. He'll give you the desires of your heart, that for some reason you find to not to be what you always thought you desired, but know are biblical desires given to you by the Spirit.

The snow on the street is so ugly-trampled, grey, the starlets intricately made and designed by God are crumbled, soaked in oil-gunk. While we sit through our temporary, vanishing lives on earth we find ways to get soiled and trampled by those around us.  It bothers me. It's starkly different than the rest of the untouched starlets, piled high, dynamically shinning. 

After a snow it is calming to walk out the front door and be in awe at it all. To be still, listen, wait, smile. 

 I've been waiting to see where my life goes, where I will go, what I will do, who I will be with, and there is a theme that runs through it all: my desires, what I want to do.

Recently, the power of the Holy Spirit has urged me to seek out what God wants to do with my life, to change the running theme. 

I went for a run in the cold a few weeks ago. It was dark outside and I just wanted to run, cry and talk to God. God pushed me forward as I stumbled through the chilled blankness and God groaned within me the understanding that my life was God's life in me, congruently striving for one goal, one desire, one longing: following Thee, following my Lord, following the one that is currently stripping me of the gunk. I just had the realization the other day that I was incredibly self-righteous within my earthly family, the most critical, legalistic, accusing, prideful, selfish, mean, one of the bunch. I'm sure we've never spoken of this before, you and I.

 And yet I'm thankful to be such, as God chooses those like me who have not just some issues, but deeply rooted issues.

I guess all of the talk about the snow was an attempt at connecting to my point, that following my God has given me peace instead of confusion. I don't even know where I was fully going with the snow metaphor...so I'll just drop it.