Thoughts-while clipping clean clothes on the clothing line under a starlit sky

Whole moon adorned -jeweled stars,
Twine vertically, swooping - a smile
Stretched by chain-linked bars.
Quixotic, aromatic, dampness once a pile
Doomed.

Deprivation-bygone that which clasped me fast.
Familiarity smiling upon impatience
Falsely subduing-chaste,
Laughter pleasing myself.

Taken by my Beloved,
Insipid being blooms?
Upward gaze I to my Beloved
My opened wound swoons.

Lifted higher went my head
“No”, said my soul
You, Him, be lifter higher, ahead,
Praise that which took the toll

Void-that which held me
Once upon a time dependency
My mind, heart did not see.

Clipped clean
Bayed breeze
Drying, seen.

My clean clothing floats against glowing mountains, oranged waters, silent nighttime, fluttering with ease-delicious-air that tastes good-of freedom.

Your word is a light unto my path...

Completely relaxed on my lap, head on my shoulders-Minxzy was sweaty from a long day-tired. I only hoped that my shoulder was not too bony for her to rest her head on-or for any of the other children that have piled onto my lap to sleep over the past month.
Another angry, rebellious frown from Eric in 1st grade-ugh. 1st grade is at 8am and their high activity or extreme laziness can cause one to think all is lost-but I'm learning that as a teacher you can never think all is lost-even when your ideas/ teaching methods flop.
Eric and his brother Miseal live at Casa Hogar with me. They can be smart when they want to, when they are not angry, or annoyed with life. Similarly, Minxzy is often angry about living at Casa Hogar. Anger. Why? Living with and teaching the same kids has given me an inside perspective into their true situation as "orphans" or children that have parents who choose not to keep them or cannot (and promise to eventually come and never do). I see their plight-they do not have parents or they know that their family has abandoned them and left them here. I see the blessing that the ministry of Casa Hogar and New Horizon School has been to their little lives. They have interns that come live here and love on them-they have Loolve and the few other adults that live here. But, they do not have parents like you and I-they have a lot of inner issues-anger. It carries over into their schoolwork-their attitude in the classroom. Yes, they are cute-adorable-but they carry a lot of inner turmoil.

My heart feels the depth of the hurt in these children's lives that I'm sure would have gone unnoticed (on my part) if I did not live so closely with them. I want to find loving parents for them-I want to be a parent to them-I pray that God will change their hearts so that can let go of the anger and see Jesus as one who can be their parent. Still, the scars are there, evident in how they eat up all the attention they can get (even when a crazy white gringo chica tries to hang out with them, nodding and attempting poorly pronounced Spanish) or whether they don't ever want to do their own work-lack self-confidence in the classroom.
It's unjust how family members have treated them-whether abuse-leaving them to scrounge for themselves on the streets-or just not wanting to take care of them. When the family is broken (like the rest of our world), little lives are torn apart and they react like we all do when we know we've been mistreated-we grow angry-we harbor it inside-forgiveness is beyond words-it is impossible. But, when we are forgiven by our Savior we can forgive those who have inflicted even the deepest wounds. Please pray that these children at Casa Hogar would understand-be drawn to Jesus Christ and his forgiving heart. That they will not walk paths of deep sin unattended to, but would be healed of all their brokenness.
All I can do is pray for them-allow the Lord to guide me into their lives; show them God's love.

We are not sure what is wrong with Liam-he is a preschooler that cannot remain quiet for long. They do not have testing for children here to find out their disabilities. Liam always jumps on the teachers and other children, attempted hugs, huge, boisterous hugs. He needs constant discipline-he makes teaching preschool much harder. My initial reaction to him is frustration-but God is using him to show me how to be gentle-to show Liam how to be gentle-to have patience every minute of my day. When I'm tired and don't feel like having children jump on me (when it's happened all day)-I need to be calm-loving-gentle with Liam. Ah, that I may have only words of kindness and actions that are gentle.

The night before I boarded my plane for Acapulco, my Mom gave me a gift-something I greatly treasure. A silver chain necklace with a verse on it. "Your word is a light to me path and a light to my feet" Psalm 119:105 And it has some flowers carved in around it. I never take this necklace off and the children love to touch it and stare at it when I bend over their desks to help them with their work. Today, Christy (Minxzy's older sister-4th grade) stood touching it and looking at it intently and then she ran to get a Bible. There was one that had both English and Spanish translation and she looked up the verse so she could understand what it said-for some reason it was moment I won't forget-watching little children drawn to scripture. It's truly of the Spirit.

I have the opportunity to teach swim lessons twice a month at school now! New Horizon is in an old hotel-painted-changed up a bit. But there is still a pool-small but will work to teach them the basics for freestyle-floating-kicking-stretching. I'm so excited that I get to se something I did for over 9 years-share it with the kids. I guess I'll have to bring out the old guard suite, goggles, and cap. Yay! Now my mind is floating back to countless swim practices and the lessons I taught at the YMCA in high school.

Also, I had the opportunity to meet with Pame again on Saturday. We are working on creative writing (yes and next week is poetry;)). We prayed together and then Pame shared her life story with me (and her sister Monse who lives at Casa Hogar). They have lived here for 14 years, waiting the entire time for their mother to come get them. Apparently their mother is blind and so they grew up at first with their grandma in Acapulco (originally from Mexico City)-but she neglected them and abused them. They were on the streets for awhile. Pame says that she was so angry for a long time-even at Casa Hogar. But, she is 21 now and a couple from the US is sponsoring her to attend the university so she can eventually get a job and take care of her mother. Pame is a Christian and she wants to work in missions with street children. God has changed her heart-I hope to get to know her better-encourage and uplift her (or more like visa-versa). So exciting how each week God shows me more of my purpose for being here! Even.....when I lose my debit card. True. But, I did not lose any money-Praise the Lord!

I suppose this has turned into a book again. Ah. And there is more to tell. I must get off because I am exhausted-as always when I write on here. More of school /ministry/God forming me tomorrow-so much-I need to rest. I'm really into dashes these days-haha-I always loved how Emily Dickenson used dashes....
Buenos Noches

Shakespeare, brownies, extensive coloring, and 1st grade

I'm sipping on te de verde-green tea! yum! So-its been a long day-but highly eventful. Typical day-up at 6:30 (God says-Arise! Shine!:))- leave Casa Hogar with the kids at 7:20 for school-teach until 2-hour bus ride back to Casa Hogar in traffic (ugh..but Liz usually falls asleep in my arms...so its not so bad)-nap/chill time (hottest time of the day!)-help with homework/hang out with the girls-el ninos hit their pillows at 9 and I manage to read/write before I get some sleep. 

1st grade is by far the most challenging class! Mandy has a Tracy Chapman (never heard of him-but now he is quite my favorite because-) cd that has worked magic on our crazy class of kiddos-along with some incense the kids immediately settle down-relief! For the past two weeks we have been doing secret friends at school-so all the teachers give each other secret gifts everyday-its been fun! Coke is everywhere here! And it is much tastier and cheaper-they use real sugar and a larger coke is less than a dollar.
Coloring, coloring, coloring. I never knew that being a teacher involved so much cutting, pasting, and coloring:) Thankfully, I love to draw! So, sitting with the little ones and drawing is relaxing-soothing-haha, and the kids love it when I draw self-portraits of them.
On Saturday I shared with Loolve and some of the other girls Shakespeare-sonnet 116 (my favorite) and made them brownies. It was so much fun! Loolve recited it over and over again with great empathy-passion-drama-<3-love it!

There is an opportunity for me to teach/tutor one of the older gals at Casa Hogar named Pam. She is at the university and knows quite a bit of English, but wants to improve her grammar and essay writing skills-perfect! I'll be giving her homework every week and working one-on-one with her on Saturday mornings. I pray that God will use this to deepen our relationship-so that we can be spiritually close-encourage/pray with each other.

Humph-so today I had one of those selfish-"nothing is going well for me" breakdowns. I hate to say that I went to that extreme-but alas all I can boast in the God who uses my lackluster being. After school I came home hoping to go running-but it was so hot and I am unable to run very far because of safety and so was pouting about that-I was so hot, tired, and angrily asked God, why am I here? Ah, I was fighting, battling the urges to shut all out around me and just be miss grumpy pants about what I don't get to do here-its such a weighty, sick feeling when egotism casts it gloomy shadow over your mind and soul. I've not been able to exercise much at all here-which is usually my release and time alone. All this to say-I was incredibly ucky feeling and angry- a pitiful sight indeed! God is faithful even to pathetic, selfish, persons such as myself. Praise music and prayer-wow-my energy came back and I spent the rest of the evening with the girls laughing-more coloring :) playing-speaking little bits of Spanish. It was a splendid evening and its hard for me to imagine that I was in such a horrid pit. I will forever praise His name! I rejoice in Him!

A myriad of thoughts

I sit upon a wooden stool on the third floor-balcony and all the el ninos are in bed. It's still early yet-but 6am will come oh so soon in the morning-another day teaching!:)

As I sit, after the heat and sweat of the day-it is an exceptionally breezy night-I like to imagine like a crazy romantic, that there are far away spices and unknown things carried across the Pacific through the Acapulco bay breeze-haha! I'm on the west coast, but tucked away on the coast of the bay-I've yet to see the real beach where I hear the waves are far too crazily dashing and grand to swim in. 

My favorite evenings are the ones when a neighbor (we are packed in tight!) is playing music-always soothing melodies that almost sound Italian...but then there is, slow, mellow  Spanish singing mixed in with dogs barking, the leaves, laughing, rustling in the wind, cars, distant yells-I guess growing up in Lexington has not allowed me much exposure to the city-big scity-more than 2 million. 

I've been learning to embrace the culture-embracing that which God has called me to do here and that which He is to do to me! 

I just finished Fyodor Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment-favorite quote: The protagonist Raskolnikov: "In misery he asked himself this question, and could not understand that at the very time he had been standing looking into the river, he had perhaps been dimly conscious of the fundamental falsity in himself and his convictions. He didn't understand that that consciousness might be the promise of a future crisis, of a new view of life and of his future resurrection." This comes in the Epilogue when Raskolnikov is in prison for his crime- murder-although gloomy, this story paints a picture of redemption in the life of a murderer-that which resurrection which he does not choose but that which God chooses to work within Him. There are many moments he almost committed suicide amid the agony of the guilt that become his own punishment, mentally and physically. But, God has led him to redemption, that he compares to the story of Lazeras coming back from the dead. It causes me to think of my own sinful state and how, although I have a free will, God has chosen to work within me and redeem me, do great things that I would never have chosen if His Spirit did not groan within me-

Anyway, my rant on the Russian classic is more like my nostalgia for English college classes-analysis-I do miss them-nothing but the Literature and Philosophy classes:)

All this to say, I am not in college but in MEXICO!

Monday of this week I was unhappy and struggling all day. Tuesday, God started to give me joy-thanksgiving for random things-like the dimpled smiles of my adorable students. The hugs (more than 20 a day for sure) from these precious little persons. I've always been a long waisted gal-haha, and I'm the perfect height for most of my kindergarten, 1,2 graders-they cling to my waist and I love it! I have taken many pictures and am attempting to put them up-no luck so far. 

I could write an entire blog on the school system here and how refreshing it is from the states....the children have plenty of recess time to rid themselves of energy-we do not let the children do as they please, but allow them to be kids. We have quiet a few little artist who like to draw while I'm teaching-instead of yelling at these artists, Mandy and I try to make sure that they are at least following us in the textbook-I've yet to here or see any crazy yelling from the teachers-thank God! 

My favorite part of teaching is reading the children story books-I bask in the quietness of it-they all seem to magicly hush up and become absorbed in "Harry the dog didn't want to take a bath" sort of stories ;) ha. I love it. I love the way the children from Casa Hogar want to be touched, held,-there are so many to love and none of them have parents to regularly give them that attention.

My fellow teachers are such a blessing! We have been able to hang out on the weekends-but they dont speak English (very little) and so I am forced to speak more Spanish!

Alberto-a crazy-curly headed-little preschooler had quite the time today looking me in the face and saying in Spanish-blow, blow,blow! I was chewing gum and he was incredibly fascinated by popping my Bubble gum-ha! Like I said-pictures to come and you will see the irresistibleness of these precious children! God's little ones.

Yum-the breeze is delicious. Tonight I had a great talk with my gift from God, Loovle! Oh how I love her! :) We drank tea and it was so nice to have a deep, long conversation about how God is working. Loovle-if you are reading this-know that I am encouraged by you and your love for the children at Casa Hogar!

One of my favorite verses is from Jeremiah 17:7-11-I've been meditating on it a lot this week-it speaks of how God can only know our hearts! Think-of all the heartache-confusion-wishful thinking of "if only someone understood"-felt the way you felt-the heart is deceptive-yes-because it is so complex!-Praise God that he can search it and know it completely-He knows my heart and the depths of my feelings/emotions!

Also, God has been using Oswald Chamber's words in "My Utmost for His Highest" -great devotional book-ancient-but Biblical. 

One of them has remained fresh on my heart and mind this week-I'll quote it below in hopes that it challenges you as it did me-and encourages!:)

ARE YOU READY TO BE OFFERED?

"I'm already being poured out as a drink offering..." 2 Timothy 4:6

I'm ready to be offered. It is a transaction of will, not of sentiment. Tell God you are ready to be offered; then let the consequences be what they may, there is no strand of complaint now, no matter what God chooses. God puts you through the crisis in private, no one person can help another. Externally the life may be the same; the difference is in will. Go through the crisis in will, then when it comes externally there will be no though of the cost. If you do no transact in will with God along this line, you will end in awakening sympathy for yourself. 

"Bind the sacrifice with cords, even unto the horns of the later." The alter means fire-burning and purification and insulation for one purpose only, the destruction of every affinity that God has not started and of every attachment that is not an attachment in God. You do not destroy it, God does; you bind the sacrifice to the horns of the alter; and see that you do not give way to self-pity when the fire begins. After this way of fire, there is nothing that oppresses or depresses. When the crisis arises, you realize that things cannot touch you as they used to do. What is your way of fire?

Tell God you are ready to be offered, and God will prove Himself to be all you ever dreamed He would be.

Is this not igniting to the soul? I pray that all who read this will go forth and offer yourself up. There is so much in my life I must offer...sacrifice.

Ah, I would like to go on about my time in Acapulco but I am exhausted and should head to bed. It's nice to have a bit of quiet and share these happenings with you. 

New Shoes and Gringos from TN!

So, today was another gift from God, sunshine, life, Loovle :),  but also difficult. As the sun was setting this evening (my favorite time of the day here!) I was praying to God because I am having a hard time giving myself wholeheartedly unto the Lord..letting go of what I am so used to having at home. Little Bethe came running up the stairs with a new pair of pretty shoes and thrust them at me with some scissors asking me to cut off the strings so she could put them on her little feet. She was so excited!! :) I looked over the balcony to see what was going on below.

 There is a concrete open place where all of the children play and their/my housing is built all around. There were gringos down there passing out gifts! I was hesitant at first to come down...Apperently an older couple from Knoxville, TN were at Casa Hogar buying pizza for the kids and giving out gifts. They had southern accents, familiar and sweet to my ears-English! (ha, and I've only been here a week....) They thought I was just like their granddaughter and were very encouraging to me. They have a condo here that they said I could come visit if I wanted. They will be here until March. They have been coming for years and gave me a little bit more idea of the background these children come from (sad stories). Whether it be the smiles because of a new pair of sandals or God's faithfulness...all I can do is rejoice even amid the slow, tough moments here. Ha, and every time I meet knew people whether at the school or with gringos, Minxzy runs and jumps into my arms and says "this is my moma!" May God use a sinner like me to love and share Christ with these children.

One day

What about those days when you get up and think about your day and what you want to do with it? You have certain responsibilities but so much time in between and so many choices, ways to live your day your personal style. What about at the end of the day when you reflect back on what you did-whether you were  productive with your day? How so? Did you go a lot of places, work hard to finish a project, did you read? Did you spend time with those you loved? What about sacrifice? Did you listen to the Lords calling to sacrifice moments, hours, choices, control for His glory? Did you follow His calling to be moved by Him, directed by Him not according to what you think and want, but to what He chooses?

I spent the entire day at Casa Hogar-no school because there has been a lot of rain and so the streets are flooded. Thus, I’m called to love and spend time-to be in one place all day. Two rooms, three including the bathroom. AH! The difficulty of lifting God higher! His name higher above mine is beyond me, I call God to change my heart, to show me how through the Spirit to answer his calling to do as He wants  with my day. I analyze, question-am I doing efficient work? Am I being productive? Am I successful in my ministry here? I put far too much worth in my work, in my standard of ministry, of success. I compare what God has called me to do with my day to that which I think would be better-doing as I please with all of my time. Breaking away from my selfish habits are so difficult-being led by the Spirit is not predictable, it is not comfortable, in the eyes of so many it is not successful. But, externally it may look seem one-dimensional, but sacrificing my will for God’s is dynamic, it happens in my soul, heart, mind, is beautiful to me because God is exalted and my flesh condemned.

May the Lord take that which is in our control daily, thrust it from our greedy hands and lead us towards that which we least like, want to do. I’ve spent most of the day running to the Lord and saying, How? How do I do this? Why? Ah, Why? Why? Why? Why? I am so unable to fathom His will. But He has brought me here. There is no other place I must be. May God be praised through my life, may He us me in ways I never know and never need to know. May I trust Him. May we as Christians let go of the control and will we have, the choice we think we have to give here and there…give it all.